The Harem
by Mistress of Revenge
Summary: A girl named Sanni is seriously in love with quite a few literary characters. She cannot decide whom to choose, and, therefore, organizes a contest between her men.
1. Welcome to the Harem

HAREM  
  
DISCLAIMER: As usual. The only character I own is Sanni (the name is a real one, don't laugh!), and the characters she loves come from Lord of the Rings (J. R. R. Tolkien), Phantom of the Opera (book by G. Leroux and rock- opera by A. L. Webber) and Harry Potter (J. K. Rowling). The song Saruman sings is originally written and performed by Iron Maiden. All rights reserved!  
  
I know the idea is kind of weird, but there are people who adore literary personages even more than real people. Not as sure if they are mad, but...  
  
CHAPTER 1  
  
(Dark room. SANNI is sitting alone, staring out of the window. Romantic music)  
  
SANNI: I love him...And him...And him...And him... (sighs) While none of them really exists. Well I'm just a crazy bookworm.  
  
(she opens the window wide)  
  
SANNI: Still, how much I wish I could see them all now and here. (mechanically) now and here. Now and here. Now and here...  
  
(DRACO Malfoy, on a broomstick, flies in through the window, followed by VOLDEMORT)  
  
DRACO: Uh, hey. Good evening.  
  
VOLDEMORT: I am the Dark Lord Voldemort, and I have come here to...  
  
SAURON (slams the door): You? Ha, the Dark Lord is ME! (smashes VOLDEMORT with his staff)  
  
SANNI: Don't argue. Why have you come here, all three?  
  
SAURON, VOLDEMORT and DRACO (in chorus): You said you loved us!  
  
SANNI: I never said it about young Mr. Malfoy!  
  
DRACO: Well, let's see it rationally, they are old for you. I'm a bit younger than you, I guess, but it's still better.  
  
VOICE (from nowhere): Insolent boy!!  
  
(there is a knock on the door, and SARUMAN enters)  
  
SARUMAN: Hello, everyone.  
  
SANNI (looking at SARUMAN): Hello! Oh you look like Santa Claus!  
  
SARUMAN (continues): I have brought a present to Sanni: a ring!  
  
SAURON: Wha-a-a-a-at? A ring???  
  
SARUMAN: Yes, a ring. A wedding ring, I must confess.  
  
SANNI: You couldn't have waited until Christmas! It's the first time we really met!  
  
SARUMAN: Christmas? What's Christmas? We don't have that holiday in Middle- Earth.  
  
LEGOLAS (walking in, to himself): Oh great Elbereth! They talk about marriages and don't even invite me! Is that girl mad? (aloud) The star shines at our meeting. Sanni, do you know that today is Beren and Luthien's 4927647821th wedding anniversary?  
  
SAURON: Don't get me wrong, the number is 4927647822.  
  
VOLDEMORT (at LEGOLAS, fiercely): You were not invited, foppy airhead!! Get out, for your pretty face won't be as cute if you stay, I promise!!  
  
DRACO: And you're old.  
  
LEGOLAS (ignoring DRACO's remark, to VOLDEMORT): How darest thou, foul creature of darkness, speak with such words to the Elven-prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf? Thou shalt pay!  
  
(VOLDEMORT produces an evil laugh)  
  
LEGOLAS (turning to SANNI): My fair lady, what has pushed thee to invite such folk as those? Legolas, winner of the Middle-earth beauty contest and a prince as well, desires to hold thy hand as his queen, until fate sunders us, yet may...  
  
(LEGOLAS FANGIRLS [LF] screech outside) (The music turns into rap) (SARUMAN takes his staff and makes LEGOLAS break-dance like Gandalf in the FOTR movie)  
  
DRACO: Woah, man, you're ace. Will you please teach me?  
  
(LF burst in and start beating SARUMAN and SANNI)  
  
VOICE (as the LF touch SANNI, furiously): Get your hands away from my bride!!  
  
(Scared, LF run away. The music fades)  
  
SAURON: Whose is the voice? Who's that in there?  
  
SARUMAN: The voice? Ha! We'll deal with him. My magical singing will get him out of here. (takes a microphone) Sanni, you like metal? (sings Phantom of the Opera by Iron Maiden)  
  
VOLDEMORT: I never knew Santa was a metalhead!  
  
SARUMAN (sings): I've been looking so long for you now you won't get away from my grasp. You've been living so long in hiding in hiding behind that false mask. And you know and I know that you ain't got long now to last. Your looks and your feelings are just the remains of your past.  
  
You're standing in the wings, there you wait for the curtain to fall.  
  
Knowing the terror and holding you have on us.. co-ack! (instead of singing, he emits a great croak like a toad. He is very confused, everyone, including SANNI, is laughing.) (tries to sing the next line) Yeah, I know..co-ack, co-ack, co-ack!  
  
VOICE (finishing the verse): Don't think we are helpless from your mesmerizing toad call! Hehehe.  
  
(ERIK walks out of the shadows. The VOICE is his)  
  
ERIK: Magical night, isn't it. Have you missed me, good messieurs? The Phantom of the Opera to your service. (kisses SANNI's hand politely and sits down next to her)  
  
SANNI: OK, now that we've all gathered here, I need to make an important announcement. I love you.  
  
EVERYONE: Whom?  
  
SANNI: No matter how strange it sounds, all of you, save for Legolas and Draco.  
  
LEGOLAS (sniff sniff): Why? I'm the hottest guy around here!  
  
DRACO: I'm the youngest!  
  
ERIK: But I have the best voice! (stands in an operatic pose and prepares to sing)  
  
SARUMAN: What did you say, you twisted son of a... (crash of shattered glass prevents us from hearing the last word: the chandelier falls on SARUMAN, missing him for only an inch)  
  
SAURON: Don't even mention his mother, Saruman, I don't want to lose you.  
  
ERIK (to SANNI): Sorry for the chandelier, I'll buy you a new one after our marriage.  
  
(SARUMAN growls. VOLDEMORT takes his wand, points it at ERIK and starts thinking of a spell to lay on him)  
  
SANNI: I feel like there's going to be a fight, but wait, I haven't finished yet. You have all come here to help me choose my ideal husband, who, of course, will be one of you.  
  
(All ask questions)  
  
DRACO: A contest?  
  
SAURON: In teams?  
  
VOLDEMORT (to himself): Teams? No, I don't appreciate group sex.  
  
ERIK: Who is the second prize? Legolas?  
  
LEGOLAS (in terror): Nooooo!! (backs away and hides behind SARUMAN)  
  
(ERIK turns to DRACO)  
  
DRACO: I'm not the third prize too, you (says a word inappropriate for his age)!  
  
SANNI: Keep silence. Yes, it is a contest, with no teams, everyone for himself. I never thought about the second and third prizes...  
  
SAURON: But Legolas's such a babe!  
  
(LEGOLAS screams with horror)  
  
SANNI: ...I'll decide about it later when we have the contest results, OK.  
  
DRACO: I don't wanna take part in this!! I know this freaky ghost will rape me!  
  
SANNI: You will have to participate, Mr. Malfoy.  
  
(a pause)  
  
SANNI: Well, let me show you your rooms and the house in general.  
  
(the whole crowd walks behind SANNI around the house)  
  
SANNI: Well, here it is. Library, restroom, kitchen...And you live here, my dear guests.  
  
SANNI (pointing at one door): Saruman and Voldemort, it's yours. Feel yourself at home.  
  
(SARUMAN and SAURON go inside the room)  
  
(pointing at another) Sauron and Legolas, be welcome.  
  
SAURON: I suppose you will have one participant less if you place us that way (grins at poor LEGOLAS who faints). Well...see ya later! (drags LEGOLAS into their room)  
  
SANNI (showing the third door): Erik and Draco, this is for you. Enjoy your time together.  
  
DRACO (to SANNI, pleading): I beg you, I'd rather share a room with a dementor than with this...erm...creature. Lodge me somewhere else!  
  
SANNI: No, no, I am the mistress, and my orders have to be obeyed. (catches DRACO who tries to run away, pushes him into the room and walks away at a quick pace) 


	2. Interlude

CHAPTER 2 (or, rather, 1A)  
  
I rather ran out of ideas...help me! Anyway I had made up a few parsonages (and threw myself on the stage) and thought I need to introduce them. New characters: CHRISTINE, the authoress. Not Miss Daae *grins*, even hardly resembles her: talks in a very low contralto, wears a classical black costume with a tie; has wavy golden-brown hair. MEGHAN, her friend and the biggest Legolas fan on earth: has purple hair, no other make-up, black clothing as well. AMELIE, MEGHAN's mother: a not-very-tall lady with short brown hair and blue eyes, dressed like a grunger, hobbies - bossing around and yelling at everyone.  
  
(A room. A sofa, 2 armchairs, a piano with open score on the notestand, a wall-mirror. A Legolas poster on the wall. CHRISTINE and MEGHAN are sitting in the armchairs, MEGHAN staring at the Legsy poster)  
  
MEGHAN: Where is Chapter 2? I want Chapter 2.  
  
CHRISTINE: I want Chapter 2 myself, but I've got no inspiration! School and stuff, they take so much time. As soon as anyone gives me an idea, I will write!  
  
(both sigh)  
  
(their conversation is interrupted by a flash of light and a most sudden appearance of LEGOLAS, pursued by ERIK and SARUMAN)  
  
ERIK (menacing): Another off-key note, mon prince, and you're dead!  
  
SARUMAN (furious): I'll get you, Greenleaf the Superstar! Ash bibika sharkimai bubhosh, beep, beep, beep!  
  
(MEGHAN, unable to stand this, stands between them and LEGOLAS, blocking the way)  
  
MEGHAN (coldly and proudly): The one I love can't sing off-key!  
  
LEGOLAS (whines): Yeah, I can and I do, please kill me - but I don't want to see any fangirls like you *points at MEGHAN* stalking around me all the time, all the time!  
  
CHRISTINE: Why, you should give a public concert to scare them off.  
  
MEGHAN: We fangirls won't care about your singing! You are good at something else. (hugs LEGOLAS and, though he fights, tries to kiss him)  
  
LEGOLAS (pleading): Save me from this torment...  
  
SARUMAN: I would hardly deny myself the pleasure of you being tormented.  
  
LEGOLAS: Sadists you all! (finally struggles out of MEGHAN's embrace)  
  
CHRISTINE: Okay, but what are you doing here?  
  
SARUMAN (turning on his charming voice): We want, lady authoress, to have this idiotic cutie out of the game or atleast get him a singing teacher. He gives everyone headaches.  
  
MEGHAN (kicks SARUMAN hard on the stomach): Idiotic cutie!?!?!?!?!?  
  
(AMELIE's VOICE from behind the door)  
  
AMELIE: That's so stupid! Hey I found a Mordor newspaper on the kitchen table, and I have no idea who had the gall to put it there!  
  
(AMELIE enters, holding the Mordor Times in her hand, looking rather furious)  
  
(SARUMAN grabs the newspaper and sees it through): Oh damn!! Look what they write: this nine-fingered ringomaniac kidnaps our Sanni and wants to get married!!  
  
AMELIE (looks around): Meg, get out of this company! By the way you told me that your (mocks) 'hot elf' is legless!  
  
LEGOLAS: Le-go-las. Not legless. (proudly) But hot.  
  
AMELIE (teaching MEGHAN): You must marry a serious man.  
  
MEGHAN: Mom, who do you call a serious man?  
  
AMELIE (dragging ERIK into the centre of the room): Say, this. (makes MEGHAN stand near him) You do make a nice couple!  
  
ERIK and MEGHAN (both): But...  
  
AMELIE: No 'buts'! It's stupid. The word of the mother is law, remember, Meg.  
  
ERIK (dryly): Eh, madame, I'm in love with another. (puts arm around CHRISTINE's waist) (to CHRISTINE, in a whisper) Don't get angry. I had to make an excuse.  
  
(CHRISTINE blushes and wishes it wasn't an excuse)  
  
MEGHAN (relieved): See?  
  
AMELIE (insisting): I do not care.  
  
SARUMAN: Just leave, lady, it's all we want.  
  
AMELIE: Ah so? Then I won't leave! My daughter needs to be under control, and she will be!  
  
LEGOLAS (suddenly deciding to defend MEGHAN): She deserves freedom! (embraces her protectively)  
  
(MEGHAN is in heaven)  
  
CHRISTINE (to herself): Poor Legolas, such a mother-in-law he will have...  
  
AMELIE (hearing CHRISTINE): Legolas? What Legolas? No more Legolas! (draws ERIK and MEGHAN together again) This. Is. My. Final. Decision.  
  
(MEGHAN makes big, frightened, hopeless eyes)  
  
SARUMAN: Don't worry, Meg. (transfigures AMELIE into a parrot and a flower vase into a cage)  
  
(AMELIE flies into the cage. SARUMAN closes her inside)  
  
AMELIE: Tweeet, tweet, that's so stupid! That's so stupid! tweeet tweet, Amelie good birdie, Amelie good birdie! Good morning. Tweet tweet tweet. That's so stupid. Tweet. This is, tweet tweet, my final decision.  
  
(CHRISTINE's CAT who's been sleeping peacefully on the sofa wakes up and walks closer)  
  
AMELIE: Good morning, tweet!  
  
CAT: Meow!  
  
MEGHAN (doubtfully): Won't it eat my mother?  
  
CHRISTINE (shrugs): No idea. But hey, we forgot about Sanni!  
  
(everyone except AMELIE who tweets peacefully becomes very worried)  
  
(CHRISTINE takes the newspaper, and a note falls out of it)  
  
MEGHAN (picks up the note and reads aloud): Gone to Middle-earth to gather troops. Planning to declare war on Sau. Join us! The Dark Lord Voldemort and Draco Malfoy from Slytherin.  
  
MEGHAN: You're going to Middle-earth? I'm with you!  
  
AMELIE: Tweet tweet, that's so stupid.  
  
CHRISTINE: Okay, Meghan, you go as well.  
  
LEGOLAS: I don't want to have fangirls I can't get rid of.  
  
MEGHAN: Then why you saved me from my mother?  
  
LEGOLAS: Er...umm..  
  
CHRISTINE: No objections, Mr. Greenleaf. Meghan is on the journey too.  
  
SARUMAN: And the mad mother?  
  
LEGOLAS: Why, it'd be boring without her.  
  
MEGHAN (cries): No, no, leave her here!  
  
CHRISTINE: Okay, I'll take care of the birdie. But I don't guarantee she'll get out of the cage and join you somewhere on the way.  
  
MEGHAN (with distaste): I won't stand that.  
  
CHRISTINE: No one needs you to stand that.  
  
LEGOLAS (joyfully): So, off to Middle-earth! Saruman, can you teleport us there?  
  
SARUMAN (doubtfully): Not sure.  
  
CHRISTINE: I will. I have the power in this story.  
  
ERIK: Why don't you simply get Sanni back?  
  
(CHRISTINE shrugs and waits for suggestions from the audience) 


	3. Harem Contest 1 Raoul Tormenting aka So...

Oops. I've sort of forgotten that I had to write this story. School sucks, you know...Well yesterday I was cleaning up the mess on my computer and found Ch. 2 and one, and then I remembered I had to write 3, and after a sleepless night I got the 1st err...part of it. Sorry for the delay :(  
  
And...in summer, my second effort to finish the story. Sorry for more delay and the enormous length.  
  
HAREM III - Raoul Tormenting  
  
Dedicated to my Raoul-loving and Helloween-hating sister.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I only own Sanni, Christine, Meg and Amelie...Song copyright: Saruman's song about the troll is from Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien, Erik's is an extract from I Live For Your Pain by Helloween. A few quotes and lines are from Jesus Christ Superstar and Phantom of the Opera. Meghan's song is Anything My Mama Won't Like by Helloween also.  
  
(dining room. SANNI, CHRISTINE, MEGHAN, VOLDEMORT, ERIK, SAURON, LEGOLAS, SARUMAN, DRACO and COUNT VON KROLOCK sit around the table and drink tea; AMELIE's cage stands on the table too)  
  
SANNI: I can't make up any worthy idea for a contest. I hope you have a good time together, anyway...  
  
DRACO: Naaah! My roommate decided to write a serenade...  
  
VON KROLOCK: What's so wrong? I wish I could write such genius music...  
  
DRACO: Erik's only inspired when I want to have a peaceful sleep. His genius music is in all my nightmares.  
  
LEGOLAS: Transfigure him into something.  
  
AMELIE: That's so stupid.  
  
ERIK: Legolas, shut up or I'll shave you bald, spit acid into your face, break your each and every bone, rip all your skin off, make you listen to my latest opera, feed your brains to rats...to be continued...and give the rest to Meghan on her birthday. The corpse will be pretty rotten by the time, though. Unless someone lends me a fridge.  
  
MEGHAN (shivers, displeased with the idea of getting a half-rotten dead Legolas as a present): Sadist.  
  
ERIK (shrugs): Who doubts?  
  
(RAOUL who till now has been quietly sitting in the corner of the room sighs tragically)  
  
SANNI: Raoul??? Who the hell invited this Raoul here?  
  
CHRISTINE: Well, I thought it'd be boring without him.  
  
AMELIE: Raoul is stupid, tweet tweet. Stupid, stupid Raoul.  
  
VOLDEMORT (surprised): This birdie can say things up to the point!  
  
RAOUL: Can I take part in your contest?  
  
(SAURON turns his fiery gaze to RAOUL)  
  
(RAOUL turns very pale and hides under the table)  
  
MEGHAN: I hope we can make a good idea for a competition together. Your proposals?  
  
LEGOLAS: Archery...or (hot grin) a beauty contest!  
  
DRACO: Quidditch!  
  
SAURON: Ring-forging!  
  
AMELIE: Tweet-tweeting!  
  
VON KROLOCK: Killing Buffy the vampire slayer! Or dancing (dances around the room).  
  
SARUMAN: Magic. Bleaching. Break dancing. Or singing. (folk singing)  
  
A troll sat alone on his seat of stone,   
  
and munched and mumbled a bare old bone,   
  
for many a year  
  
he had gnawed it near,   
  
for meat was hard to come by.   
  
Done by! Gum by!  
  
In a cave in the hills he dwelt alone,   
  
and meat was hard to come by!  
  
ERIK: I stick to singing. (psychedelic operametal manner)  
  
My victim you're meant to be  
  
No, you cannot hide nor flee  
  
You know what I'm looking for  
  
Pleasure, your torture I will endure  
  
Now - you're caught inside my cage  
  
You - the object of my rage  
  
Sin - I wash you clean again  
  
I'm your redeemer...  
  
(all listen in a trance-like state. CHRISTINE groans voluptiously.)  
  
LEGOLAS (recovering): That's your serenade?  
  
ERIK: No. Just a song the authoress likes.  
  
(CHRISTINE nods)  
  
VOLDEMORT: I want dark magic! Or Legolas shaving, muahahaha!  
  
CHRISTINE: Hmm. I like the Legolas shaving idea.  
  
LEGOLAS: Bite me.  
  
VON KROLOCK: No problem, prince. (shows fangs)  
  
MEGHAN: Calm down everyone! What are we going to do?  
  
AMELIE (hysterically): Feed Amelie good birdie! tweet tweet tweet, Amelie tweet, good birdie, hungry, tweet, good birdie is hungry! Tweet tweet tweet tweet!  
  
SANNI: If Christine has brought the fop here, let's get him into the action...I announce a Raoul Tormenting Contest.  
  
/------------------------------------------------------------  
  
------------------------------------------------------------/  
  
(TV studio. A desk with a lot of papers, a box of chocolates, a vase with red roses and a cage with AMELIE the parrot. At the desk sit CHRISTINE in a black masculine suit, SANNI in a black evening dress and MEGHAN in black pants and an Opeth T-shirt. Near the desk there's a row of chairs occupied by VOLDEMORT, SARUMAN, LEGOLAS, SAURON, DRACO, Count von KROLOCK and ERIK.)  
  
(The theme from Sarah Brightman's Harem starts in the background)  
  
SANNI: Good evening. I welcome you to the first contest of the Harem series.  
  
AMELIE: Tweet tweet, that's so stupid. Amelie is hungry. Amelie is hungry. Tweet tweet. Feed Amelie..  
  
CHRISTINE (ignoring the tweeting): The point of Harem is a contest between these remarkable men (gestures in the direction of the chairs) for the prize, a young lady called Sanni (SANNI bows).. The other...er..prizes are Meghan (MEGHAN bows) and Christine (bows)  
  
AMELIE: That's so stupid!  
  
MEGHAN (to AMELIE, in a whisper): Mom, can you stop chattering? Oh yes, don't shit around the cage, I beg you, you're in public.  
  
CHRSTINE (to the camera): I have the honour to introduce our participants. Voldemort, the Dark Lord, the second evil wizard in the world. Saruman the White, King of Isengard, the wisest of the Istari and the best voice of Middle-Earth. Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, the most handsome Elf of Middle-Earth. Sauron, the Dark Lord, King of Mordor, the most evil man in the world. Draco Malfoy, student of Hogwarts, Slytherin, a very promising evil wizard. Count von Krolock, leader of Transylvanian vampires. Erik, aka Phantom of the Opera, aka Angel of Music, architect and musician.  
  
ERIK (adding): Illusionist, interior designer, blah blah. Genius.  
  
AMELIE: That's so stupid! That's so stupid. Tweet tweet, that's so stupid. Amelie wants chocolates. Amelie good birdie, so stupid, stupid, tweet tweet, that's so stupid!  
  
(CHRISTINE opens the box with chocolates and starts eating)  
  
SANNI: Now I may proclaim the first contest to begin!  
  
LEGOLAS: Sorry, what are we supposed to do?  
  
SANNI: Raoul Tormenting!  
  
CHRISTINE: Oh yes, I forgot to tell. Dear audience, please make sure you want to watch a sadistic show and drag your kids away from the screen.   
  
SARUMAN: Okay let's turn down this music and start..  
  
(CHRISTINE gestures and two dementors appear leading RAOUL)  
  
DRACO (sneezes): I'm allergic to his stink... err, perfume!  
  
(RAOUL looks around and finally understands where he is)  
  
RAOUL (shining with happiness, his innocent blue eyes blinking stupidly): My first night on TV!! Wow!  
  
ERIK (grimly): I promise it will be your last night.  
  
RAOUL (to ERIK): Not another spoilt premiere! (to the camera) Good evening my sweeties! Welcome to Raoul's brand new talk show named... (starts thinking of a not-so-dumb name for his show)  
  
AMELIE: Tweet tweet, that's so, tweet, stupid!  
  
RAOUL (grins, triumphantly announcing): ...named So Tweet Stupid!  
  
(CHRISTINE, SANNI and MEGHAN fall off the chairs and roll on the floor laughing)  
  
(all the participants rush to them to help them stand up)  
  
(AMELIE tweets joyfully)  
  
CHRISTINE (being forced to vertical position): Hahahaha...let's watch some commercials, eh? Hahahahahahahaha...  
  
=============================  
  
COMMERCIALS for 10 minutes   
  
=============================  
  
(10 minutes later. RAOUL's mouth is now sealed with Scotch tape so he just sits and doesn't annoy anyone save for DRACO who continues sneezing)  
  
CHRISTINE (still smiling): Welcome back! This is Contest One of Harem Series - Raoul Tormenting!  
  
RAOUL: Mmmm mmm mmmmmm?  
  
AMELIE: Raoul stupid, tweet tweet!  
  
(MEGHAN gives AMELIE a piece of chocolate for saying one more clever thing)  
  
VON KROLOCK (explaining to RAOUL): We'll torment you.  
  
RAOUL (tears the Scotch tape off his mouth): What??  
  
DRACO (gives RAOUL a flick on the nose): You're too stupid to understand.  
  
RAOUL: And you dare flick the hottest guy here on the nose, kid?  
  
LEGOLAS (hearing): Hey who is the hottest here?  
  
CHRISTINE (to the audience): And now we offer you a phone poll! The question is: who is hotter? For Raoul, phone 123450. For Legolas, phone 123451.  
  
RAOUL: Me! I'm a viscount!  
  
LEGOLAS: Ha! I'm a prince!  
  
RAOUL: And once I saved a woman!..   
  
LEGOLAS: And once I saved the world!  
  
RAOUL: I want a duel! Gimme guns!  
  
SANNI: No guns for the stupid.  
  
RAOUL: Ah okay! I'll show him how to offend me without any shooting!! (pulls LEGOLAS's hair)  
  
LEGOLAS: Morgoth curse you! (kicks RAOUL's ass)  
  
(they fight)  
  
(the results of the poll show up on the screen. RAOUL gets 2 calls, LEGOLAS gets 4698317520 calls)  
  
(RAOUL suffers deep pain)  
  
(MEGHAN and CHRISTINE put some marks on their papers)  
  
DRACO: Oh come on, don't get upset over it. I and Legolas will teach you how to be as hot as an Elf. First, let's make your ears pointed. (takes scissors and starts cutting RAOUL's ears to a pointed shape)  
  
(RAOUL's ears bleed)  
  
DRACO: Much better now. Then, you need long hair. Maybe we could do you a skin transplantation so you wouldn't wait for the hair to grow. (slowly rips off RAOUL's blond scalp)  
  
SAURON: I never knew you were so good at tortures! After all this mess and my honeymoon I will hire you as the Chief Tormentor!  
  
RAOUL (touches his skinless head): Ow, that hurts.  
  
DRACO: Muihihihihi. (sneezes)  
  
VOLDEMORT (teaching DRACO): I told you, black wizards shouldn't laugh in such a kiddish way. The laugh should be evil and....  
  
SAURON (showing a magnificent example): MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!  
  
VON KROLOCK (dancing with impatience): And now let's torment him.  
  
AMELIE: Tweet tweet.  
  
RAOUL (wakes up, and, making a tragic hero out of himself, sings Gethsemane from Jesus Christ Superstar):   
  
...Nail me to your cross and break me,  
  
bleed me, beat me, kill me now  
  
before I change my mind!!  
  
ERIK (with disgust): Wrong key.  
  
CHRISTINE: Then let's crucify him.  
  
SARUMAN (sings): Crucify him! Crucify him!  
  
MEGHAN (sings): For the sake of the nation this Raoul must die!  
  
EVERYONE (sings): Must die, must die, this Raoul must die!  
  
SANNI (sings): Crucify him! Crucify him!  
  
RAOUL (sings): You're far too keen on "where" and "how" but not so hot on "why"!  
  
LEGOLAS (sings): Did you mean to die like that? Was that a mistake or  
  
Did you know your messy death would be a record breaker?   
  
(MEGHAN is ecstatic about LEGOLAS's singing and wants to hug him)  
  
(a bunch of innocent-looking RAOUL FANGIRLS [RF] run into sight)  
  
RF (screech): Don't get us wrong...  
  
AMELIE (tweet-singing) Tweet tweet, the note is wrong!  
  
RF (screech): We only want to know...  
  
RAOUL: Flee, for here death awaits you...  
  
ERIK: Bravo, monsieur. Such spirited words.  
  
RAOUL (modestly): At school I was sorta good at drama.   
  
SAURON: And what else you were good at?  
  
RAOUL: At everything.  
  
ERIK: Let's test physics. Don't worry it's simple. (takes a chalk and starts writing on the blackboard: m=2000 kg, h=328.58983 m, g=9.81 m/s2, t=?, then throws the chalk into RAOUL's face and sits aside) There is a dinosaur, weighing 2 tons. Which falls from the height of 328.58983 metres.  
  
RF: This is unfair! Have you seen a di...di..dinner-sour weighing 2 tons, falling from three hundred and twenty-eight metres?  
  
ERIK: Never. But I have to puzzle his brainlessness with something. So how long will it be falling?  
  
(RAOUL stands at the blackboard and blinks eyes helplessly. This lasts 2 minutes)  
  
SANNI (looks at her watch): I guess we'll watch a little block of commercials while this idiot stands there.  
  
MEGHAN: Nah, let's watch the idiot. He looks like me at the blackboard, sort of.  
  
RAOUL (almost weeping): May I take a calculator?  
  
ERIK (looks scornfully at RAOUL): No.  
  
RF (whispering): Raoul, write the formula first!  
  
RAOUL (whispers back): I dunno any formula!  
  
SAURON (menacing): Silence in class. You all write a composition. 50 sentences minimum. The title is (dictates) Ecological, Economical, Moral and Technical Aspects of Recycling Dead Raouls Into Orc Food.  
  
(RF take out pieces of paper and start scribbling)  
  
AMELIE (approving): Tweet-tweet.  
  
(RAOUL, meanwhile, is crying a sea of tears at the blackboard, writing down the only two formulae he knows (H2O and E=mc2))  
  
RAOUL (whispers to CHRISTINE doubtfully): Are those the right ones?  
  
LEGOLAS (suppressing giggling): Yeah. H is for height at which the dinosaur hangs...m is for its weight.  
  
MEGHAN: And where are g and t?  
  
RAOUL: Oh, sorry (corrects the formulae so they look like H2g and E=mt2). Can you change the sour dinner into something not so heavy? I won't eat it.  
  
(SAURON rolls eye)  
  
ERIK: Okay let's change it. A stupid boy named Raoul hangs on a Punjab lasso at the height of 328.58983 metres, then someone cuts the rope and he falls...How long will the falling take and what will remain of Raoul?  
  
RAOUL: I can only answer the last question...not much will, unfortunately. (pleading) But you won't do it to me, good messieurs?  
  
VON KROLOCK: Nah. We'll (takes RAOUL's hand) bite off your fingers, that's what. First one. (bites one of RAOUL's fingers off)  
  
RAOUL: Aaaah!  
  
LEGOLAS: Bite something he'll miss more than a finger!  
  
(everyone giggles and watches excitedly save for RAOUL himself who is panicking and trying to hide under a chair)  
  
MEGHAN: Legsy you're SO funny!  
  
LEGOLAS (bows): Thank you.  
  
(VON KROLOCK nods, and the lights fade out. RAOUL's agonicized scream. Dead silence, exploded by a burst of laughter. Lights are back on - RAOUL is standing with his back to the public obviously very ashamed)  
  
RAOUL: Ow! (sings on Why Have You Brought Me Here from PotO but pretty off-key) why have you brought me here???  
  
VON KROLOCK (sings): You won't return.  
  
SAURON (sings): My eye will find you here, the eye that burns.  
  
VOLDEMORT (sings): And in this labyrinth where night is blind... (is caught by the neck by ERIK's lasso)  
  
ERIK: Copyright violation is subject to federal laws. (tightens the rope)  
  
SANNI: Hey hey hey you must kill Raoul and not each other!  
  
ERIK: Sorry. But I guess he wouldn't win anyway. And I needed someone to dedicate a requiem to. You'll hear it after this sweet talk show.  
  
LEGOLAS: And where is the requiem for your friend Raoul?  
  
ERIK: I've written that one in 1881. Though I'll first sing it tonight. When we're out of this studio.  
  
DRACO: Disqualify the murderer!  
  
MEGHAN: Don't argue.  
  
RAOUL (bleeding from head to...something else): That's so damn true.  
  
AMELIE: Amelie is hungry. Tweet tweet!  
  
SANNI (looks at her watch): Commercials.  
  
============================  
  
COMMERCiALS FOR 10 MINUTES   
  
============================  
  
(very much the same situation.)  
  
CHRISTINE (with a sadistic expression on her face): Welcome back! This is Contest One of Harem Series - Raoul Tormenting!  
  
(RAOUL whines in the background)  
  
AMELIE: Tweet, so stupid.  
  
LEGOLAS: Well?  
  
(suddenly, AMELIE in human form appears in the middle of the studio)  
  
SARUMAN (furiously): Who did it?  
  
AMELIE: The spell is over! Tweee...damn, so stupid! (to ERIK) I hope I haven't missed your wedding?  
  
MEGHAN (to SANNI): Are you tormenting Raoul or me? (to AMELIE, almost weeping) Do you want me to spend my first wedding-night in a torture chamber with a misfigured maniac?  
  
ERIK: Oh well. I'm not that loathesome. Raoul's Swedish sweetheart (grins) knows it very well.  
  
RAOUL: You !!!  
  
LEGOLAS (pushes ERIK fiercely, very eager to protect MEGHAN): Get your bloody hands off Meghan, at least!!!  
  
ERIK (pushes back): Don't be jealous. (to AMELIE, in a very charming and courteous voice) I am unfortunately engaged...but I could recommend you another candidate (points at RAOUL).  
  
(general wicked laughter)  
  
AMELIE (studies RAOUL sceptically): He looks so stupid.  
  
ERIK (more charming): He's undergoing a plastic operation. But he is worth your daughter. (lays hand on AMELIE's shoulder) Financially worth, I mean.   
  
AMELIE (surrenders): Okay.  
  
RAOUL (in deepest horror): Whaa-a-a-a-a-at??? I'm marrying??? a punk???  
  
LEGOLAS (correcting): Opeth are a metal band, not punk. One of my favourites.  
  
AMELIE: Don't call my precious daughter metalhead or PUNK or any such names!!  
  
MEGHAN (sings): I'm the queen of the night generation  
  
I'm anything my mama don't like  
  
I'm a slave of a perverted nation  
  
Anything my mama don't like  
  
Sorry, that's the first time I'm singing a song in public.  
  
ERIK: That's Helloween. Not Opeth.  
  
LEGOLAS: Oh well. Meghan rocks whatever she sings. Honestly.  
  
DRACO: Yeah.  
  
RAOUL: She wears pants! It's...immoral! She's a witch...or a transvestite!  
  
MEGHAN: And you have a pile of sht instead of brains!  
  
RAOUL: I'll never marry! I'm...(blushes)  
  
AMELIE: You dare disagree??? (hits RAOUL)  
  
DRACO: Come on!  
  
AMELIE (bossy tone): That's so stupid. Come here, my children.  
  
RAOUL: I'm not a child! I'm twenty-one! And I don't marry violet-haired mutants! I don't marry at all...I..umm...can't...  
  
AMELIE (beats him): Shut up! And don't offend my little Meg! Now kiss her!  
  
RAOUL: I'd rather...rather...kiss Erik unmasked.  
  
ERIK: Go kiss Justin Timberlake.  
  
(CHRiSTINE is writing something on the score sheet)  
  
(AMELIE has kicked RAOUL to the ground and is dancing over the body)  
  
AMELIE: You marry my daughter at once, bastard, the rest of the monologue is replaced by BEEEEEP for moral purposes, or I'll more BEEP  
  
DRACO: Woah! (tries to repeat the monologue)  
  
SAURON: You shouldn't be listening to such dirty words, boy.  
  
RAOUL: Don't step on me, you beeep!!!  
  
(SARUMAN dances to the rhythm of the quarrel)  
  
SARUMAN: Raoul must become a hip-hop star. Knows so many bad words, can say them so quickly.  
  
MEGHAN: Mother, didn't you see what von Krolock did? I won't marry a -less guy!  
  
RAOUL: That's what I'm talking about!!  
  
AMELIE: beEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEep!  
  
SAURON (blinks eye): Meg's mom is tough.  
  
DRACO: Wouldn't wanna have a mom like that. Sorry for you, Meghan. By the way, we'll disqualify Erik if he keeps sitting there and doing nothing. I guess he isn't just that clever as he's said about.  
  
ERIK: The clever are the ones who work well, the wise are the ones that the clever work for. See that?  
  
SAURON: That's why I made Saruman go looking for my ring and I'm just sitting there in my tower and enjoying the view. It's good to be wise.  
  
(The show is interrupted by the coming of Miss DAAE, that Swedish soprano mentioned above)  
  
DAAE: What is that going on? Raoul! Are you a masochist?  
  
DRACO: Oh by the way, mam'selle, Raoul doesn't care for you at all. It's a GAY masochist.  
  
DAAE (looks curiously under RAOUL's waist): It? Why "it"?  
  
SARUMAN: There's something wrong with him just where you're looking.  
  
DAAE (more curiosity): So you're gay too?  
  
SARUMAN: Why?  
  
DAAE: Why would you bother to check what's in Raoul's pants?  
  
RAOUL: Christine forgive me please forgive me...  
  
DAAE (kicks RAOUL with her leg): I'm leaving you! (hugs ERIK) I'm back, you see.  
  
ERIK (embarrassed, looks at SANNI and CHRISTINE, the latter becoming greenish with jealousy): Oh...(kisses DAAE on the lips) Sure, angel. I'm kind of busy, though...  
  
(RAOUL's heart is torn apart)  
  
DAAE (passionately): I don't care. (kisses ERIK)  
  
RAOUL: Christine I wanted to die for you...and you betray me... (steals a rope from ERIK's pocket and is ready to commit suicide) No torment will compare... (tightens the noose)  
  
ERIK (to DAAE): After the show. (disappears)  
  
(DAAE shrugs and leaves)  
  
(ERIK reappears)  
  
CHRISTINE: Erik, what was that? I'll kick you out.  
  
ERIK: You are the authoress, right? So you could've cut this part out and that's all.  
  
(meanwhile SARUMAN is trying to revive the strangled Raoul)  
  
(RAOUL moans)  
  
(DRACO is fumbling with his magic wand, finally producing a flock of butterflies that mess around RAOUL and sing Dies Irae)  
  
DRACO: Sorry, the most I can do...I'm only learning, you know.  
  
(SAURON turns into human shape, takes a plastic bag and starts collecting the butterflies into it)  
  
DRACO: What are you doing?  
  
SAURON: Gonna have them for the torture chamber.  
  
DRACO: Aah.  
  
RAOUL (strangled moan): what else?   
  
VON KROLOCK: And what about crucifixion?  
  
(DRACO transfigures some of the butterflies into nails)  
  
(everyone under AMELIE's conduction starts hammering the nails into RAOUL pinning him to the wall)  
  
(RAOUL wails)  
  
LEGOLAS (takes his bow & arrow): My turn to have fun. (shoots at RAOUL so that the arrow hits the wall just a half-millimetre from him)  
  
(RAOUL is too weak to be horrified, still talking nonsense about Daae and trying to kill himself)  
  
(more arrows, shot with the same super-human skill, to MEGHAN's greatest delight)  
  
LEGOLAS (shining with triumph): That's how to shoot.  
  
MEGHAN: Will you teach me? Please please please!  
  
LEGOLAS (looks into MEGHAN's eyes): Good, I will.  
  
(MEGHAN claps hands)  
  
SAURON: I can shoot too. (takes his bow & arrow and a lighter, and shoots burning arrows with the same skill)  
  
(there's a fire around RAOUL, and he is burning too)  
  
SARUMAN (takes a bucket of icy water and pours it on RAOUL): Let's make a break!  
  
(RAOUL sighs with relief)  
  
(ERIK opens the piano lid and starts singing his requiem for RAOUL)  
  
(RAOUL, overwhelmed by the music, loses the rest of his sanity)  
  
RAOUL (a la Jesus): I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty!! Lord!...  
  
CHRISTINE (prompts): In your hands...  
  
RAOUL: In your hands...I commend my spirit!!!  
  
ERIK (sings forte-fortissimo): Hosanna in excelsis!  
  
(RAOUL dies)  
  
(the requiem continues while RAOUL is unpinned from the wall, very dead and very tormented)  
  
The End of Raoul Tormenting.  
  
Dear audience! Read, review and give more ideas for more contests! 


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